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I live in a row house with thin walls. That is the way they built them just over a century ago ~ small row houses, inexpensively constructed with one tap, one heater, a (very) steep stair case, and thin walls.
Right now, these houses are not really considered ‘family dwellings’. Singles or couples occupy them, and as soon as they start a family, they tend to move to greener pastures ~ conceivably bigger, a nice bathroom, kitchen; and a bit more privacy...
In a sense the thin walls make for a certain oneness with the neighbors. My neighbor on one side likes cooking and the way we can hear the chopping of veggies etc., I guess he is good at it. My neighbor on the other side has his son over every other week. His son is young and a lot less quiet than his father.
To those who are not accustomed to living in old buildings that not only have the creaky floor boards ~ and that one step on the staircase that always makes a noise ~ that come with age, yet also have the thin walls and lack of isolation that bear the memories of times long gone by this may seem annoying. On the other hand it does give a certain sense of ~ unanticipated ~ oneness within the neighborhood. As we can hear at least part of our neighbors lives, it makes it easy to keep an eye, or in this case an ear out for another. And when there are sounds that should not be there, nine out of ten times these are investigated.
A built in neighborhood watch system.
Anyone living in row houses like where I live knows a thing or two on how to gain peace and quiet.
First and foremost, playing the radio or any kind of music in the background has a tendency to drown out next door’s sounds. In some houses sound insulation has been installed, and when new floors are constructed great pains are taken to have the beams in one house not touch the beams in the next house...
Yet as it is, there is just one thing that works without fail; to accept the fact that some sounds will filter through. And that acceptance makes it possible to not get upset about the noise next door.
Very much like one can learn to meditate with all kinds of noise around them. Through acceptance that it is there, and a sense of oneness in which that noise becomes part of the music of life...
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Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Friday, September 13, 2013
Coping skills
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Coping skills, the way we handle difficult or stressful situation we may find on our path, are learned very early in our lives. Usually in our first four or five years ~ during the time when we are functioning almost entirely through our subconscious minds. This means that during these early childhood years we learn things through experience and through observation.
It also implies that the things we have learned during this time are locked firmly into our subconscious minds such that something like our coping skills kick in the moment we need them, without even having to give it a second thought. In other words, we don’t think about it ~ we act.
This is both good and bad...
The good thing about it is that if we have been raised during those early childhood years in a balanced, ‘sensible’ environment ~ what gets to be locked into our subconscious is a balanced, sensible outlook on life, and in all likelihood a set of balanced, sensible coping skills.
On the other hand, if the environment we were raised in was in a more or less continuous turmoil; an environment where stressful situations weren’t handled, but moreover just walked away from ~ we may find ourselves late in life lacking those balanced sensible coping skills that are so useful in our day to day lives.
Once adults, we will follow the example our parent gave us way back when...
So if our parents, rather than handling the situation, walked out of their relationship when the stress got to be too much to cope with for them ~ chances are we as adults will do the same.
If (one of) our parents sought refuge in a fantasy world, into a different reality, when life got too hard... Or escaped into over-eating, or drugs, or alcohol... We may just follow that example if ever we encounter a stressful situation we feel we cannot cope with.
In these times of change we probably can all use new, better suited coping skills than our parents had when we were young. And there are techniques to evaluate our existing coping skills in order to see how we would like to handle life differently. There are processes through which we can fill in the blanks ~ or add to the picture already there that which we feel we need to cope with our lives today.
And the better we understand where our coping skills are coming from, and learn how to handle things differently ~ ultimately the better we can cope with whatever we may find on our path through life.
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.
Coping skills, the way we handle difficult or stressful situation we may find on our path, are learned very early in our lives. Usually in our first four or five years ~ during the time when we are functioning almost entirely through our subconscious minds. This means that during these early childhood years we learn things through experience and through observation.
It also implies that the things we have learned during this time are locked firmly into our subconscious minds such that something like our coping skills kick in the moment we need them, without even having to give it a second thought. In other words, we don’t think about it ~ we act.
This is both good and bad...
The good thing about it is that if we have been raised during those early childhood years in a balanced, ‘sensible’ environment ~ what gets to be locked into our subconscious is a balanced, sensible outlook on life, and in all likelihood a set of balanced, sensible coping skills.
On the other hand, if the environment we were raised in was in a more or less continuous turmoil; an environment where stressful situations weren’t handled, but moreover just walked away from ~ we may find ourselves late in life lacking those balanced sensible coping skills that are so useful in our day to day lives.
Once adults, we will follow the example our parent gave us way back when...
So if our parents, rather than handling the situation, walked out of their relationship when the stress got to be too much to cope with for them ~ chances are we as adults will do the same.
If (one of) our parents sought refuge in a fantasy world, into a different reality, when life got too hard... Or escaped into over-eating, or drugs, or alcohol... We may just follow that example if ever we encounter a stressful situation we feel we cannot cope with.
In these times of change we probably can all use new, better suited coping skills than our parents had when we were young. And there are techniques to evaluate our existing coping skills in order to see how we would like to handle life differently. There are processes through which we can fill in the blanks ~ or add to the picture already there that which we feel we need to cope with our lives today.
And the better we understand where our coping skills are coming from, and learn how to handle things differently ~ ultimately the better we can cope with whatever we may find on our path through life.
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Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Conflict
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Every once in a while we may end up in a conflict situation. This may be a conflict or difference of opinion. A conflict of what we need out of a situation and what the other party is willing to offer. But it can also be a lot more personal, like an inner conflict.
An inner conflict is not just something us humans experience, one can see it in nature as well when there are two impulses that are equally as strong. And as long as neither one of them gets to be more important and therefore can be prioritized, there will be an inner conflict.
When this happens to cats, they will tend to sit down and start cleansing themselves. It is their way to step back from the situation and see what ensues ~ postponing the decision as to what to do next.
When we get into a conflict situation it is usually a cause for stress in our lives ~ whether it is a conflict outside of ourselves or not. Yet for solving the conflicts we may have in the world ~ with other people, in a job situation ~ we can easily find help of mediators. There are known processes to handle conflicts like that.
With inner conflicts ~ like between knowing what is expected of you and feeling where or who you want to be ~ it is often not quite as clear cut.
After all, there is a reason why you have ended up at the place you are finding yourself ~ and even if you don’t particularly like that place right now; that reason is likely to be a pretty good one... Just turning your back at it, change directions and never look back may therefore not be an acceptable way to solve the inner conflict. On the other hand it is clear that something needs to happen to resolve it.
As it turns out, taking the example of our cats is not a bad way to go here. To just give yourself some time to not do anything. To step back from the (inner) conflict for a bit while you allow more clarity to surface.
Clarity on why you are unhappy about where you are at; clarity on what you want to take along as you are changing directions and what you will gladly leave behind. Clarity on what your first step toward a new place ~ or even a new you ~ is going to be...
Then, the only thing left to do in order to start resolving the inner conflict is to take that step.
.
.
Every once in a while we may end up in a conflict situation. This may be a conflict or difference of opinion. A conflict of what we need out of a situation and what the other party is willing to offer. But it can also be a lot more personal, like an inner conflict.
An inner conflict is not just something us humans experience, one can see it in nature as well when there are two impulses that are equally as strong. And as long as neither one of them gets to be more important and therefore can be prioritized, there will be an inner conflict.
When this happens to cats, they will tend to sit down and start cleansing themselves. It is their way to step back from the situation and see what ensues ~ postponing the decision as to what to do next.
When we get into a conflict situation it is usually a cause for stress in our lives ~ whether it is a conflict outside of ourselves or not. Yet for solving the conflicts we may have in the world ~ with other people, in a job situation ~ we can easily find help of mediators. There are known processes to handle conflicts like that.
With inner conflicts ~ like between knowing what is expected of you and feeling where or who you want to be ~ it is often not quite as clear cut.
After all, there is a reason why you have ended up at the place you are finding yourself ~ and even if you don’t particularly like that place right now; that reason is likely to be a pretty good one... Just turning your back at it, change directions and never look back may therefore not be an acceptable way to solve the inner conflict. On the other hand it is clear that something needs to happen to resolve it.
As it turns out, taking the example of our cats is not a bad way to go here. To just give yourself some time to not do anything. To step back from the (inner) conflict for a bit while you allow more clarity to surface.
Clarity on why you are unhappy about where you are at; clarity on what you want to take along as you are changing directions and what you will gladly leave behind. Clarity on what your first step toward a new place ~ or even a new you ~ is going to be...
Then, the only thing left to do in order to start resolving the inner conflict is to take that step.
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Friday, September 6, 2013
Insights
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Insights and the resulting revelations usually are exactly that: in-sights. Looking into one self or into a situation and suddenly seeing things differently...
It is always a process of discovery. Discovering more about ourselves ~ even when the initial insight is about a situation. Seeing our place in that situation; looking at how we are handling that situation can spark insights into ourselves. In how we perceive the world around us. In how we handle ‘stuff’ that comes up.
For instance, are we more apt to walk away from a situation we cannot ~ for the moment ~ solve? Or are we more likely to pick up the pieces ~ even solve other people’s problems if that means we can bring the situation to a satisfactory conclusion? Just looking at ourselves from this perspective can give us great insights in how we handle responsibility. Are we taking on too much responsibility, or too little?
And while we may take some time to examine how we are handling simple, every day situations in order to gain insights into ourselves ~ more often than not these insights are offered to us unbidden. Just by someone else saying something. Telling us something that we may not have thought of before; or even something we don’t want to hear. Or even by us hearing ourselves telling something to another person can suddenly bring that pang of recognition on how we are doing something in a way we really never wanted to (for instance the same way we always have seen our parents do it).
In a sense, there are unending opportunities to gain insight into ourselves in our day to day lives...
The difficulty often is not the realization of the ‘insightful moment’, it is the differentiation between which side of the issue we are on.
For instance, if we have a tendency to take on more responsibility than is ‘rightfully ours’; and an interaction or situation comes up that can bring this to our attention ~ it is really easy to immediately feel that we have dropped the ball, that we probably should have taken on more responsibility. Because that is ~ or has been ~ the pattern in our lives. In truth the interaction or situation may well have come to us so we can see where not to take on the responsibility of others and to let the chips fall where they may.
Or when someone keeps bringing up a past event ~ is it because we still have something to learn from it? Or because it is time to let go and move on?
The only way to find out which one it is, is to see into ourselves; to discover where we stand on it, and to apply that insight to the situation at hand...
.
.
Insights and the resulting revelations usually are exactly that: in-sights. Looking into one self or into a situation and suddenly seeing things differently...
It is always a process of discovery. Discovering more about ourselves ~ even when the initial insight is about a situation. Seeing our place in that situation; looking at how we are handling that situation can spark insights into ourselves. In how we perceive the world around us. In how we handle ‘stuff’ that comes up.
For instance, are we more apt to walk away from a situation we cannot ~ for the moment ~ solve? Or are we more likely to pick up the pieces ~ even solve other people’s problems if that means we can bring the situation to a satisfactory conclusion? Just looking at ourselves from this perspective can give us great insights in how we handle responsibility. Are we taking on too much responsibility, or too little?
And while we may take some time to examine how we are handling simple, every day situations in order to gain insights into ourselves ~ more often than not these insights are offered to us unbidden. Just by someone else saying something. Telling us something that we may not have thought of before; or even something we don’t want to hear. Or even by us hearing ourselves telling something to another person can suddenly bring that pang of recognition on how we are doing something in a way we really never wanted to (for instance the same way we always have seen our parents do it).
In a sense, there are unending opportunities to gain insight into ourselves in our day to day lives...
The difficulty often is not the realization of the ‘insightful moment’, it is the differentiation between which side of the issue we are on.
For instance, if we have a tendency to take on more responsibility than is ‘rightfully ours’; and an interaction or situation comes up that can bring this to our attention ~ it is really easy to immediately feel that we have dropped the ball, that we probably should have taken on more responsibility. Because that is ~ or has been ~ the pattern in our lives. In truth the interaction or situation may well have come to us so we can see where not to take on the responsibility of others and to let the chips fall where they may.
Or when someone keeps bringing up a past event ~ is it because we still have something to learn from it? Or because it is time to let go and move on?
The only way to find out which one it is, is to see into ourselves; to discover where we stand on it, and to apply that insight to the situation at hand...
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Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Times of change
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There is no doubt whatsoever that we are living in times of change.
Changes are happening all around us. And changes are happening within ourselves as we are changing our priorities, our attitudes, our goals... We are quite capable of handling our inner changes, just as the changes that are happening around us on average are manageable. However, when the changes around us coincide with the inner changes, we suddenly seem to loose track of where we are going...
It is at that point that we start looking at other people for advice.
What would you do in this situation? How would you handle these changes that are happening?
Often, just talking about it will help you get ideas and insights on what to do next. So finding someone who can function as a ‘sounding board’ is a good idea as it will help look at the situation, the changes differently such that you can find your own solution to whatever is going on.
And that is important!
Especially in this point in time the only solution that is going to work for us in the long term is that solution which is truly ours... That comes from within ourselves...
Still there are many people who are looking at others to give them the solutions, the guidelines or rules to live their lives by. Yet no matter how wise those others are ~ the solutions they are offering are their solutions; not ours.
On the other hand, when a solution is offered for a problem we are facing; just like that ~ without us having to do any of the hard work to sort things out; to learn about what is going on; to discover things about ourselves ~ it does have a certain appeal. In fact, a lot of people are willing to pay a lot of money to coaches, therapists, or ‘readers’ to receive just that: a ready-made solution that will let the problem go away.
“You have a fish, so please feed me ~ so I don’t have to go out and learn how to fish...”
One could say that with this attitude we are short changing ourselves tremendously, as it prevents us from discovering who we really are. Discover our strengths. All the things we find out we can do, even though we never thought we could. And the tremendous potential each of us has ~ if only we would permit ourselves to change into that wonderful, unique, capable person we can be!
.
.
There is no doubt whatsoever that we are living in times of change.
Changes are happening all around us. And changes are happening within ourselves as we are changing our priorities, our attitudes, our goals... We are quite capable of handling our inner changes, just as the changes that are happening around us on average are manageable. However, when the changes around us coincide with the inner changes, we suddenly seem to loose track of where we are going...
It is at that point that we start looking at other people for advice.
What would you do in this situation? How would you handle these changes that are happening?
Often, just talking about it will help you get ideas and insights on what to do next. So finding someone who can function as a ‘sounding board’ is a good idea as it will help look at the situation, the changes differently such that you can find your own solution to whatever is going on.
And that is important!
Especially in this point in time the only solution that is going to work for us in the long term is that solution which is truly ours... That comes from within ourselves...
Still there are many people who are looking at others to give them the solutions, the guidelines or rules to live their lives by. Yet no matter how wise those others are ~ the solutions they are offering are their solutions; not ours.
On the other hand, when a solution is offered for a problem we are facing; just like that ~ without us having to do any of the hard work to sort things out; to learn about what is going on; to discover things about ourselves ~ it does have a certain appeal. In fact, a lot of people are willing to pay a lot of money to coaches, therapists, or ‘readers’ to receive just that: a ready-made solution that will let the problem go away.
“You have a fish, so please feed me ~ so I don’t have to go out and learn how to fish...”
One could say that with this attitude we are short changing ourselves tremendously, as it prevents us from discovering who we really are. Discover our strengths. All the things we find out we can do, even though we never thought we could. And the tremendous potential each of us has ~ if only we would permit ourselves to change into that wonderful, unique, capable person we can be!
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